Wednesday, December 07, 2005

They took my grandpa off support

He died at 8:15 pc last night. He was on dialasis when his liver started to fail as well - he would not have survived the night even on support. He was a Christian. . .

I am at a loss on how to explain this to my 3yr old son. He only met him once for a collective 15 hours or so but when we talk about all the people we love his great grandpa always comes up. Strangely enough a few times over the last couple of weeks he has specificly mentioned him during our bedtime prayers. Usualy we are specific about his moma, me and him - the rest of our friends and family are lumped together except where there are specific needs. I hope this is a sign that talking about this will be easier than I am expecting.

Now I am trying to sort out my feelings about this. Though we never realy had a relationship I think I can honestly say that I did love him. I think I saw him a collective 3-4 days in the last 20 years but he was my grandpa and a part of my history. I do regret not knowing him better. When I said he wasn't a good man I miss-spoke. He was a solitary man who held his feelings close in as many in his generation (and even this one) did. And while he wasn't much for expressing his love of others my mom has made clear that he did in fact love us. While I never had the chance to make peace with him in a meaningful way my mom and her sibs did.

My grandpa was a linemen on the Alaskan pipeline. He sent years running over 200 miles of pipe through the Alaskan wilderness. After he retired he ran a small toystore for a few years then went to work in Texas overseeing pipeline construction - after he was forced out he went to work for another union and supervised even more pipeline. I believe he was 78 when they finaly made him retire. He had three pensions from two unions, social security and was either working or trying to find work up until his death.

He was a workaholic who couldn't, well, express his feelings. He was a less than ideal father. He was a less than ideal grandpa. But I shall miss him and regret never truly getting to know him. . .

4 comments:

Beth said...

For someone you say you didn't know, you sure seem to know a lot about him, DuWayne!

If you believe in an afterlife as I do, I think your grandpa knows how you feel and knows that you love him. Praying for his soul shows your love for him as well. It is never too late to show love.

You will find the words to tell your son. I wish you my condolences at this time.

DD2 said...

After reading your fine blog..I feel the sadness along with you

You you find that time heals us all. All my best to you and yours on this sad day.

DuWayne Brayton said...

Beth

I know that God will give me the words for my son. It's just hard to think about explaining this to him.

I asked a lot of questions over the years. I also spent some little time with him. Just not the type that gets to the core of who we are.

DD2

Thank you for your support - I truly appreciate it. . .

jenny said...

Duwayne, you have my sincere sympathy at this time. It is my belief that where your Grandpa is now he has infinite understanding and knows your heart. There are a lot of books geared to young children on the occasion of death and grief. One that is a classic is The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia. Sometimes reading a story can help create questions and give space for answers.