Monday, December 05, 2005

My grandpa had a massive heartattack last night. . .

My mom told me the progmosis isn't very good - she's flying out to Pheonix today to be with him.

It gives me a lot of mixed feelings. My grandpa isn't a very good man - he wasn't a good dad nor much of a grandpa either. But he is a part of my history and I haven't ever had the chance to realy know him. I suppose I do love him but he never tried to convince me I should. In fact I don't recall him ever telling me that he loved me.

The thing is I decided a long time ago that I should get to know him - that it was important that I do. Back when I was hitch-hiking the country I thought a few times about visiting him - but I never managed to get to it - even when I was as close as 113 miles from his home - I couldn't be bothered to see him. Now it's likely I will never get that oppertunity.

It is hard to grasp that the oppertunities I have to know and make peace with a few of my family members I am not close to are rapidly slipping away from me. It is upsetting in the least that I have procrastinated with even something this important. It is indicative of my personality that I should do so - and wrong. I hope and pray for the strength and ability to raise my son to be a very different man than myself. Oh sure, I have some great qualities but where do they take me - I live in poverty, I am destroying my body to live this well and I have failures of health due to my own rampant drug and alchohol use as a younger man.

It is amazing that the onset of what will likely be the last few days of a man I hardly know, my grandpa, have opened up a vast panorama of introspection - with an intensity I usualy try to avoid. . .

1 comment:

Mary said...

Don't be too hard on yourself - and that's a good thing to teach your son too. When you think of it, not going to visit someone who "wasn't a very good man" is logical. There's always the hope that the man is reformed, but he would have contacted someone and demonstrated this new behavior. So, you were wisely taking care of yourself at that time. Don't want to be intrusive. Those are just the thoughts of someone who's been there. BTW - thanks for the visit to my site. Take care.