Tuesday, May 31, 2005

talk about no sleep

Sorry I havn't been here lately, I literaly have gone from 2.5 hrs of sleep
in 24 to about 2.5 in 48. i don't have a computer at home and I won't until I get
to Portland. Ultimately I don't have time to use it anyway.

I don't know why I get stressed anymore, I know it's all going to
work, it's just all to often unclear how it will. But when I look at the situation
objectively, considering I hover a little below the poverty level, it actually looks
good. My three year old Caleb, loves his mama's new housemate and recently went
on a picnic with my new house mate and while he thinks my roomies great, his mama
was annoyed by him. (the best of both worlds) Also, my place is 1/2 a mile from
my ex's place and ironicly I will be living on MI ave. (I'm moving from MI)

I had hawked my power tools because they were getting really warn and wern't worth
hauling ouit there. Then a friend of mine wanted me to remodel his bathroom, literaly
at the last minute, and I made a deal with him to get new of the power tools most
critical to my kind of work on his 12 month intrest free home depot card. I will
have the money I need to get there and the abilty to do jobs on my own when I get
there. Being able to do jobs on my own may be important since I have been told
by four remodelers that I am overqualified for their needs at this time. Apperently
i'm not enough of a fucking hack for them.

So I leave on Saturday morning, possibly Friday night. I will be driving straight through to the mountains. I plan on taking a nap before I traverse the mountains and hope that will be it. If need be I will sleep more than that (road safety and all that) but I havn't seen Cay in two weeks and it will be nearly three weeks by the time I get there. I'm going into baby (big boy, sorry cay) withdrawl in a big way and Cays going through papa withdrawl so I need to get there quickly.

Hope to get here again before I go, later all.

Friday, May 27, 2005

going going going

I have a brief moment with a computer. I have had to repair the van I will be traveling out west in. It is a '92 chevy half ton with 250,000 plus miles. I had to replace my transmission coolant lines and the trany filter and seal. I also had to replace my radiator on the roadside today on my way to the last job I am doing before I leave. I have been running around like a chicken with it's head missing. I am down to sleeping about an hour a night trying to get all my stuff thats going ready and get rid of all the shit I;m not. Hopefuly I will be done soon and ready to go by wednsday. I was planning on leaving by monday but so it goes.

Friday, May 20, 2005

waves break
breaking me
tell me just why it is
over and around and over again
fucking STOP
be being been be
fucking grow


Sainted -
princes - kings - consorts
never understand - pages turn
charnnel house that is history
pasts are haunting us

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Due to lack of computer at home, I also watched Law and Order, you know one of the spinoffs.

The topics that Law and Order choose to cover sometimes manage to impress me. Even if I disagree with the stance of the writer I give them credit for bringing it up. Last night they really got into it with to very conteraversial episodes in a row. The first brought up end of life issues and the second brought up our broken system of organ donation.

Suicide is a very ugly word and nobody likes to think about or talk about it. When they do, they talk about how horrible it is and how we have to stop it, save people from themselves. There are places where one can be arrested (for there own safety) for attempting to commit suicide. No matter where you are, it is a crime to assist someone with ending there life. In Oregon at least you can now get a prescription for suicide pills, but still no one can aid you in quest to die even there.

I belive in giving people the choice to die when and how they might wish. I belive suicide rates would drop even further if instead of hiding the wish to die for fear of being restricted from that option, they felt comfortable going to someone who would provide counseling and support in deciding if this is really what a person wants to do. If by some chance they decide they still wish to end it they should then be afforded the support and help they might need to end their life comfortably and with dignity.

I do not believe that anyperson should be compelled or pushed into killing themselves. I believe that those who would manipulate anyone into killing themselves should be vigorously prosecuted for murder. I do not belive that someone should be euathanized because they are disabled unless they specify or have previously specified they would not wish to survive some catastrophic trauma. I would like to be euathanized in the event that certain things may happen to my body and brain. I would like to be put out with dignity, not starved or left to drown in my own blood and vomit. I would like an injection of sodium morphate and left to sleep without waking. But in this country that would be illegal.

People cry that this would lead down a slippery slope to involuntary euathanization. Give me a fucking break. I don't hear anyone calling for extermination centers except a few crackpot wingnuts. No rational person wants to kill off the disabled, murder the elderly or infirm. Some of us just want the option of a death of our choosing with dignity. Understand, I am 29 years old and resonably healthy. I don't forsee this being a problem for several years yet, barring an unfortunate accident. I would just like to live to see the day that I am allowed to die the death of my choosing at the time of my choosing.

The other topic on L & O was our broken system of organ donation. But I am out of time on the cafe' computer so it will have to wait.

On Nova Last night.

It actually was a rather interesting eve. When I turned on the tube I watched NOVA. The topic for the evening was when man actualy made it to the Americas. It has been commonly belived that man didn't make it here until the end of the last ice age about twelve thousand years ago. It seems more and more likely that humans were here as far back as thirty thousand years ago.

Coupled with the recent discovery on a Pacific island, of the remains of a "new" subgroup humanoid, I am getting more and more giddy with excitement at what the future holds for us to discover about the past. I am interested to see what might arise from the mists of time to amaze us about our ancesters.
You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility.









Cultural Creative








What is Your World View? (corrected...hopefully)
created with QuizFarm.com
I found this via Majikthise

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Aquaria and our fight for reproductive rights

I was reminded today, by the Heretik, of Aquaria's Blog "Raging PMS." When I first discovered blogging, I was referred to her blog because I had misspelled my name (Treann) and someone assumed I was a women. I am in fact sans uterus. That does not mean I should not have been referred to Aquaria's bit of cyberspace. Indeed anyone who values our reproductive rights should check it out. One of my earliest posts was the result of Raging PMS and a few others I got to from there. This post explains why I feel it is important to fight for our reproductive rights. Today I want to talk about the danger those rights are in and why it is more important than ever to fight even harder for them.

On several fronts, our congress, the president and his judicial nominees would see America's women and girls become little more than baby factories. They push an abstinence only education approach that has been shown to fail. They push to overturn Roe V Wade to keep unwanted fetuses around to become unwanted children. They chip away at education for the poor, unless they join the military. They are pushing towards a transient work force, unprotected by OSHA regulations, left unprotected by the courts if they are injured. Gods, I know this sounds so crackpot and I wish that it was. They want nothing less than to have a large percentage of the population to get paid with the tax dollars of the rest of us on the bottom to fight in our wars and then come home to keep the rest of us in line. And what better person to fit the bill than an unwanted, unaborted child. With parents or a parent or the state not caring for them what better way to affirm their own value than being placed into a position of authority, such as the military, the police or any number of security forces, at home and abroad. Unemployment and underemployment are going through the roof. What other options are there but transient labor or the armed forces. As unemployment rises so does crime and that means more jobs for police officers, at least for municipalities able to afford them.

Of course when you strip away all of these other layers of the issue you come to the heart of the matter, the women or girl. The potential mother. The human being, who is dealing with conflicting emotions, guilt, hormonal changes wrought by the invader in their womb, possible rape or assault issues. Who the fuck gave anyone the right to invade that place and tell this human they have no choice, they must allow this child into the world and they must keep it, unwanted, they must give it to the state or they must give it to someone else, someone who may do horrible things to it. (of course the states don't give 'em much of a start either) This is unacceptable.

I have said it before and will again and again, I don't like abortion. I doubt anybody does. Abortion doctors don't like abortion. Planned parenthood workers don't like abortion. Conservatives don't like abortion. Liberals don't like abortion. Lesbians don't like abortion. But many of us feel it is important to maintain the right to have one should it become necessary. I will be as happy as can be when abortion is eradicated. I will dance and sing when AIDS and other STDs are eliminated. I will be tickled to Tuesday when this conversation is but a footnote in history because everyone who chooses to have sex does so safely and with family planning in mind. (Beth, this is what Planned Parenthood does) Until that day we all, every fucking one of us, needs to fight for our reproductive rights.

Aquaria, I want to thank you again for helping open my eyes to this all important issue.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Heretik - the poetic mind

The Heretik Joe Ivory Mattingly reminds me that the venue of expression I have here provides a freedom I don't have in the world of man. I'm not terribly insane but I often feel the need to repress thoughts and ideas I have for fear of people thinking I am mostly insane. But here very few people who know me know I'm also Treban. I want to thank the Heretik for reminding me of the freedom I have to be.

Stop - go
below I like to be
be me? I wonder what the wonderins' like

don't ask don't tell me
believe me u don't want to know
I know - I know\don't you

Stop - flow
under the underside of light
don't believe anything - everything

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My "Old Man" Hands

So after my depressing news this morning, I was given a unintentional compliment that in a very odd way made me feel really good. I went to lunch at the same place I've gone the last few days. I work in construction so I go to a lot of different places, whatever is close to the job. Anyway, I was waiting for my sandwich when a young woman sat down by me and was apparently checking me out (I used to be a pretty-boy before ten years of working outside most of the time) when she spied my hands. At that point she crinkled her nose into something of a scowl and said, "Ewww, you have old man hands." I looked down at my scarred, weather beaten hands and after a moment I nodded my head and said "thank you." She really scowled at that and replied "I didn't mean it as a compliment." I just smiled, nodded and got my sandwitch and left.

After I got everyone going on their various tasks and got back to work myself I thought about my hands. I thought about the scars some temporary a few that are permanent, I thought about the lines etched by wind and hard labor. I thought about what the scars and lines present. They represent finish work in a number of houses. They represent the painting I've done. They represent the handyman work I've done, often at a discount because being poor I have a hard time charging a lot for poor people. (unfortunately why I'm no longer self employed) They represent the houses I've sealed from the elements. They represent the plumbing in a few houses now. They represent the challenges I've faced and overcome on the job.

I would like to do something more meaningful with my life to be sure, but I still take a lot of pride in my craftmanship. I have brought beauty on occasion, often just utilitarian necessity. I am and will always be proud of my "old man hands."

Most unfortunate news

I originally hail from Kalamazoo MI. If you are from MI you may recognize that K-zoo is one of those progressive municipalities that has extended domestic partner benefits to lgbt's. You would also be aware MI passed a constitutional amendment to define marriage to exclude same sex couples causing those municipalities that recognize lgbt relationships and have extended benefits to face legal action if they don't stop.

I found out this morning that my friend Peg who is a minority contractor who gets about 2/3 of her work from various municipalities and other government entities now faces similar court battles. Peg is an exceptional contractor who does not discriminate. She employs only those best qualified to do the job regardless of race, sex or sexual preference. She also has a policy of providing benefits to all her employees and their partners whether they are married or not. She has managed to build the business she has because she produces exceptional results.

Peggy is now involved in the same legal action as many municipalities that don't want to refrain from providing domestic partner benefits. Mind you this includes hetero couples who are not married. If she is unable to win her court battle, at best she will have to downsize, more likely she will lose her business.

I have had occasion to work for Peg when she needed someone to run a crew for her. The people she employs are some of the most exceptional people I have had the pleasure of working with. I had not worked with so many women who could really work successful in the building trades. What I discovered is that a lot of "traditional roles" for women, when carried over into the construction site can make for exemplary work. Every woman who works for Peg has a fastidious attention to detail that makes them great finishers. Also Peggy has no room for "dead weight" on her crews, every one of her supervisors are also laborers. I am in that position at the company I work for. I have noticed that the women, especially those with kids seem to find it a lot less stressful than I do. Believe me it is extremely hard to work and supervise at the same time and yet women seem to do it effortlessly. In fact of the eleven crews she employs only one of them is run by a hetero male.

I have changed the name of my contractor friend. As I post under a pseudonym for business reasons I did not think it wise to expose "Peg" to further potential problems as she has plenty all ready.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Rather like I feel when I go for my "surreal hours walks"

My surreal, paranoid time is especialy dark now as I am fourty-six hours without sleep again. I sit alone at four am melancholy voices singing with mine, mine with them. I can hear an angel telling me, I just have to believe.

I can feel a lover leaving me, find my simple peace. I tried again to remember, just what is believing for. I tried again to tell myself, open up another door.

My mind wanders past my own distress, out into the world of men. My fragile psychy shatters agianst the wieght, now I put it back together again.

Just try to convince me, everything will be all right. The masters of my solitude, building bigger castles inside.

Shouting out for freedom, from the tyranny of mind. Crying in the desert, for the justices of time.

The simple peace that follows, the simple love that fills my life. Beaten down and broken, from these ashes I arise.

Here is where I ended up. . . . .